Back to Work, whoa

I was released to back to day. Did so today. I am to work 10-2 this week. It was surreal. I felt like I was in a strange place and a new person. In some ways, I suppose I am. I got hugs, smiles, welcome back's, so glad you made it, etc. I felt welcomed back and appreciated by some. Of course I didn't do much but watch my temp do my job still. I want to get back into it slow, not over do it, but show I am capable, if that makes sense.
Ryker is going through a rough time and I feel helpless. He I believe is teething. He has yet another ear infection, with tubes, so there for are leaking bad. He isn't sleeping well, eating well, or playing well. So we are having issues.
Jacob seems bummed out more lately and I can't figure out what is eating at him. I wish I could fix it, but he won't talk. He is easily saddened. Please God tell me he isn't following in my footsteps. I want him happy and not live in that dark hole. That is fair and isn't right. He is only eight.
Hannah is Hannah. I really don't want to get into that, as is breaks my heart.
Matt is working/learning out of town all week. He is in class to gain his National Certification for Crane Operation. I am proud of him. He needs a break and this week is it. He has done so much lately.
I have lost 16 pounds since surgery. You what they say goes first. Yep, boobs are practically gone. Seriously, can I have them back now? I need them. I want them. If they are not provided in a timely fashion, they will be paid for and fake. Period.
First the surgery bills though right? ha

I need to rest before I go get the boys. I am pooped. Maybe I will actually get a decent night sleep? No. I think that is only fair.

God Bless and One day at a time.
Lu

Hanging in There

I go back to work part time Monday the 5th, full time the following week. I am so ready to get out of my house, off my ass, and be worth something. Start fresh again and regain the control I had felt before.
Life has its good/bad days. Matt's Grandmother isn't doing so well. She broke her ankle. Is on the mend, but we worry about her.
Hannah is here and seems so unhappy and won't listen to most of what I ask her to do.
My emotions are still on a roller coaster at times. But, that too shall pass. I hope.

I don't have much to say, I am a live and that is what seems to matter right now.

Life is Rough

I know I haven't written since before the Craniectomy for the Chiari 1 Malformation. I have had a rough go at it. I would say evenly between pain and emotions. The pain is getting better. The only relief I get now that I am only on Valium for the muscles they cut through, is hot showers or a heating pad. I have no hair. Levi, my brother was here for a week. Not only to visit, but to be here for the surgery. It was very surreal going to surgery. Checking in, waiting, then being put in a waiting type room. They only let two people back with me, so I chose my Mom and Matt. We were in there for about an hour, then a bunch of people came in to introduce themselves. I met the Anesthesiologist, the nurses that would be in the operating room, and then my actual surgeon came in to touch base with me. At that point the Anesthesiologist put in my iv. Although he said that I would have a total of three iv's, he didn't want to put the other two in until I was under, because they went into arterial veins, and are very painful. Anyway, it seemed liked minutes later they were whisking me back to surgery. I cried at saying good bye to mom and Matt. It was hard. I remember entering the operating room, but that is it. Next thing I knew I was in a room with my head bandaged and in a lot of pain. They controlled my pain as much as they could I guess, but they said they couldn't make it all go away because it was a very serious surgery.
One of the hardest parts is that I had several visitors, and I don't remember most of them. My friend Jessica took the day after off and all I remember is that she wore a grey sweater. Most of the stay was fuzzy. I was in and out of it. Slept a lot and cried a lot. I was mad at one nurse, because the medicine that helped the most, I could have in my iv every hour, but she didn't tell me until the 2nd or 3rd day that I had to ask for it. Thanks lady. Wouldn't you think that with this type of surgery and my pain tolerance, which is next to zero, they would assume I want the meds? Guess not. I ate jello and Popsicles like they were going out of style.
Now that I have been home for a month recovering, I wondering if I will be ready for work on the 5th of January. I get tired easily and cry all the time. The surgery has taken an emotional toll on me, that nobody could have warned me about. I have tried to blame everyone else, God, Matt, my Parents, the Hospital, you name it. But, truth is, it all comes down to me. Accepting what I can't change. Part of the Serenity Prayer in which Matt says I should say every day. I am trying, but this road is lonely and hard. I stay by myself everyday and can't do anything, so it gets pretty hard. They say I can't hold Ryker, but I do. He is still my baby, almost 15 months. But, my baby none the less and I need to comfort him.
I think Matt is getting worn out taking care of everything. I try to help, but then I am in pain. We have even fought because my emotions make me so mad sometimes. We will make it, but the road has miles to go. My hair is slowly growing back. My friend bought me two wraps, so that I don't feel odd in public. I don't want to look like a chemo patient, because I am not. I don't want the stares, because I am self conscience. The scar on the back of my head is sore, but healing nicely. I pulled my own stitches, because they were coming loose anyway. Sounds morbid or gross, but it didn't hurt. When I went in for my first follow up, the dr. said a lot of his patients do the same.

I just today realized I will not have all the kids as I thought I would this year. Hannah gets it with her dad. I wanted to keep her till Christmas Eve, but she doesn't want to. Her happiness, as much pain as it may cause me, is most important and she wants to go back today. So, I have a punch in the gut feeling, because I won't have them all for this holiday and at some point we have to even it out, otherwise they will never spend a Christmas together.

I let Hannah and Jacob each open one gift today. Just so that I could watch. Hannah opened her Hannah Montana Hair Set and Jacob a huge Abram's tank model. We took pictures, but it is not the same.

My heart is breaking and Matt keeps telling me that it will all be ok. I hope so, because I don't know how much I can handle feeling like I am losing it. Crying every day. Trying to find that God is there for me.

That is all for now. I thought I would write though, because it is has been over a month.

Happy Holidays All~ I hope your family has everything they want.

Lu

Life in General

I got an A in my Psych class, I was pretty happy about that, a little proud too. I worked hard in that class and trying to get that great grade. So that class is done, my next class will be my CNA class in January. I have to skip the normal classes that I would take that quarter because of surgery, other wise I would have been taking Chemistry and Math, since those two classes didn't transfer. Oh wait, the only class that did transfer from college years ago, was English. Anyway, that is the school story.
My brother got here Thursday and we have been having a blast! We went Christmas shopping together only to learn he hates the mall, but went because I asked him to. What a great guy. I think he is enjoying the family life with us right now, during his 18 day leave from Iraq. He is staying through my surgery and leaving the day after. He didn't want me to go through all this without him coming to see me and help me through it. He always seems to give me courage that I didn't know I had. I wish he could stay longer, or just quit going back to damn Iraq. This is his third tour there after all.
My parents arrive on Tuesday to be with us for 11 days. Not much else to say about that. I am excited to see them. My mom plans on cooking and freezing plenty of food so that Matt just has to throw it in the oven.
After church today, I meet with a prayer group to pray over my surgery. That is very generous for them to pull this together for my sake.
I am also getting a free massage today, from a very nice lady. It is a long story and I don't care to write it all out, but it is very nice of her to do this.
Tomorrow, I have my pre-op appt. with the surgeon. Levi, my brother is going with me. After that, we are going to Jacob's school to surprise him and eat lunch with him. Then I do have to show up to work for a little bit at least.
Tuesday, I work a majority of the day wrapping it all up. I will leave early though since Mom and Dad are arriving. We are all to go out and eat "my last supper" sorta speak. Then home for Matt and Levi to shave my head. I think these boys are a bit too excited about this :) But, this way I have the control over my hair being gone, it won't be some nurse in the operating room taking it all. It will be my loved ones, having fun taking it off! They want to do a Mohawk first, take pic's, than they will shave it all down for the surgery. I will be bald. Weird to think that. It will be the shortest my hair has ever been. After surgery, I will have a bad ass 7 inch scar running down the back of my head. Some call them selves zipper heads after this surgery, because it literally looks like a zipper up the head. Will find out I guess.
I am photo blogging my whole experience. I will post pic's as soon as I am able. Of course it might be a little bit, I doubt I will be up to blogging when I get home from the hospital.
Anyway, this might be my last blog for a while. I will write again when I am able.
Thanks for all the prayers and good thoughts sent this way, my whole family thanks you.

Take care for now,
Lu

I don't feel good :(

I think I have the flu. Or something like it and it sucks. I puked this morning and have been hot & cold all day, along with bad gut. I hate being sick and it's halloween.
Happy Halloween. Hope yours is better.

Another Day~

I didn't think I could log onto here at work and write a post, but ha, I can. I feel outside of myself at times. It is kind of ironic. I feel like I am moving in slow motion, waiting for something to happen. None of that makes sense I am sure. But, that is how I feel.
Class went well last night, although it seemed to drag on forever. I just wanted to be home. With my family. We have two classes left. Next one is about Death and Dying at old age. It is a Psych class, but focuses on Human Development. We are having speakers come in from a program that helps family deal with death. I am not sure what I feel about that, and listening to them. I am sure it will be interesting, but still. It is about death. Then the last class is our final exam. I am riding with an A right now and hope to keep it with the last test. I will find out on the 13th, what my final grade is.
Ryker still isn't walking yet. He will when he is ready, ya, I hear that a lot. He is 14 months now. He will walk holding onto the couch or his toy that he pushes around, but not without. I hope he walks before surgery, so that I am coherent, and there to see it. I will be heartbroken if he does his first steps alone while I am in a hospital bed. He has a doctor appt. next Tuesday for his bad constipation and puking most times while he poops. Poor guy, he is in pain all the time. Hopefully the doc has some answers.
Well that is all for now. Have a great day! Remember to live in the moment!

Countdown to Surgery- 20 days to go~

Now that I have three weeks left until I have surgery, I have been researching this like crazy. I joined two groups on Yahoo, although I have only posted one time. It is very overwhelming. I am part of a Mama's Forum, and sometimes don't have time for that. So I wonder why I add more onto my plate. It is because I am information hungry, all the time. I always want more information to store in my head, about any given subject. This time it is Chiari. I have read about so much, including symptoms, in which I am just figuring out that I too have them. When you live with something for so long, you get used to it and don't view it as new or different. Now, I have the education that these are adding to my symptom list and making me more aware of them.
Anyway. People at work, the same people, keep asking what day my surgery is. To me, it is burned into my head. But, to them, I am just going to be out for a while, and I need to remember that when I am repeating myself. They are just being nice.
Today, a lady that knows my boss came in to fill out paperwork. She will be taking my position while I am out. I asked if I was going to get to train her, because after all, it is MY position. The response? They aren't sure, but they will try and get her in early to train with me. Well, my last couple days are going to be hectic and I will be wrapping everything up at work. So this could be fun.
My parents are getting ready for their trip out here. I am getting ready for their trip out here, cleaning and organizing so that my mother doesn't think she has to do all that. Also, my brother is coming to see me in less than two weeks, and I am so excited I just about can't stand it.
I don't think Matt realizes how disabled I will be at first, I hope it all goes ok. I am getting nervous. I don't think I realize how it will be.
Gotta jet, got class tonight.

My brother is coming to town!!!

Wow, I didn't realize I hadn't blogged in almost three weeks. What a lazy girl I am. Actually, I have been really busy. With Psych class, family, work, etc. Life spins around me!
Class is going great, I have an A, and couldn't ask for more. I registered for my CNA class starting in January. Since my surgery will interfere with me attending school next quarter, I wanted to still get something accomplished towards Nursing school, so CNA is it. I need it and want it, so it is a good thing. (Ok Martha Stewart ! ) Anyhow, I need to pay for the class and buy the book, which in all, will be too much! ha, but that is alright.
I just had a call from my brother. From Iraq!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Exclamation points will not show the true joy it brought to me to hear his voice! He is on his 3rd tour of duty and coming home on leave soon. Guess what? He is coming to see me and the fam here in NE! He said he was worried about me because of the surgery, but he actually doesn't know the details. My parents and I aren't telling him too much, because in war, he has bigger things to worry about. He said we can talk more when he gets here. He sounded great and said he is safe, well to say what he really said, "Safety is a relative word, but in my sense, he is safe right now." Wow, at least he is honest. I guess it was stupid to ask that, as we have no idea the setting they are in from this view point. I am just happy to hear his voice. He sounded tired, but after all it is 11pm over there.
I am home with Hannah today, she is sick. So we are spending some great time together. Her Dad stayed home with her all week, since Monday afternoon. I needed to step in and take her so that he can work. Right now I am trying not to take too much time off due to being off for six weeks with surgery. But, I love me some Hannah time! She is my little diva. The best cuddler ever too, if you ask me. I love how this little four year old is so petite for her age, her hands so little and lovely. She is beautiful, that is for sure!
What else? Not much that I can think of. I will try and write sooner than three weeks, but ya never know. Family first and this one here is B.U.S.Y!

Blessings and prayers!
Lu

A Good Sunday

I went to the new church today and it went really well. I had the "Getting Started" class first and I wasn't alone. There were 7 others with me, so that was a good sign. After class, I went to the 2nd service and they had a guest speaker. His name is D.A. Carson, he is actually widely known and has been on CNN, among other media's. I sat with a girl from my class, and can't remember her name. I suck at that. Remembering names. Although after church there was a gal named Cherish, that spoke to me and introduced me to others in the church. She has been a member for 3 years, so that was nice. The funny thing, everyone was asking if I was in college. Granted that technically, yes I am, but not in the view they were asking. When I said I was married and had three munchkins, they couldn't believe it. Funny. Anyhow, I will go again next weekend and take the kids with me and see what they think. Personally, I hate the questions when I only take them all every other weekend. I know people are curious, but it is hard to just have to explain my personal situation so many times.

My head has hurt all day and I woke with a sore throat this morning. If I am getting Strep again, I will be highly disappointed. I hate being sick, but to have the Flu and Strep within two weeks of each other, and now my throat hurts again. I am tired. But, that is my norm lately. The chiari I guess is to blame for my constant fatigue. I am ready to shake that here next month and enjoy life again.

I went grocery shopping and tried saving money, ha, still spent a stupid $100! I even went to the cheap grocery store, in hopes of saving. I am making Lasagna for dinner tonight, I have been craving it, so I have it in the oven right now. I can't wait to grub on that. Among other things on this weeks menu; tacos, chili, mac & cheese (this is the boys' stand by when I have class on Wed. night), Chili/Cheese dogs, and breakfast for dinner.

Next Saturday will be our Thanksgiving, I looked at turkeys today in the store, I was so excited. I can't wait to make all the fixins' and have family gathered around for the feast.

My sister is doing well, in some pain, but to be expected after a c-section. Little Andrew is doing well, eating better and such. She probably won't get out till Tuesday and I had to break it to her Dad that I probably won't make it there, as much as my heart would love to. We just can't afford that right now. He is understood, I just hope she can too.

Happy Sunday all, I hope your week brings the fulfillment you are hoping for.

Lu

I am an Auntie!!!!

My sister Bre had her baby this morning! Welcome little Andrew! He was born by emergency C-Section at 12:31 am. He weighs in at 6lbs 12oz and is a whopping 20 inches long! He is in NICU, as the cord was tightly wrapped around his neck and arms. Bre is doing well, not in too much pain yet, but has been unable to see her baby. She wants me to go out there, but I have to figure out how first. Money, always an issue you know? I wish I could just up and go, but with surgery coming up and me missing a month or so of work, I have to plan this carefully. I get five days of vacation here on Wednesday and want to use those to go see her.
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I am feeling a bit better, not so blah. I am starting a new church tomorrow, by myself. But, I am really excited. I have to attend the "Getting Started" class with the pastor at ten, then I will attend the service at 11. I hope this is my answer to what I need, to improve my relationship with God, and fill the hole that I a constantly searching for the solution of. Matt will not go with me, he isn't in to church really. He has gone with me in the past, three times, but it really isn't something I want him to feel forced to do. It is something you have to want, just like quiting smoking, or something similar. I will go, and enjoy my time with Him. And with other people on the same journey, or perhaps their own. As each of our journey with God is very unique I believe. I know mine is, so I assume it is that way with everyone else.
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A friend of mine is very sad and I wish I could reach out and help her. However, I don't know all the details and how deep that pain goes. Depression is hard. I have fought it, or more so lived with it for years. This friend of mine blogs and has password posts. I don't have the password, which is perfectly fine. But, I wish I knew what to say to help, to heal the pain. I know I can't heal her, or anyone else, but I want her to know I am here for her. In whatever capacity I am able to be. She will read this I hope, and feel my warmth for her and love reaching out.
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I thought I wanted another dog. I don't. A friend at work is getting rid of her Morkie. I thought he is so cute, let me have him. I brought him home last night and realized that I am ok with one pet. Two is overwhelming. My boss wants him though. So I will let her know that I can't provide the home I thought I could and he will go to someone that can. Little Sammy, it has been fun, but we can't do it here at this house. Sorry.

Ryker is waking, got to jet. Have a fabulous weekend everyone!